This evening, I finished my Divine Mercy novena before Mass and began my meditation. I was, as usual, rather spacey, without any particular focus to my prayer, but I kept internally murmuring, “Jesus, I trust in you.”
It’s a good prayer–Jesus himself taught it to St. Faustina. And it’s a powerful thing to pray even when you don’t totally mean it, in the hopes that the Spirit will make it true. But I wasn’t paying a lot of attention, just staring blankly in the direction of a Divine Mercy image and occasionally tossing it out there: “Jesus, I trust in you.”
And then I felt him ask, “Do you trust me with your fertility?”
Oof.
Friends, I am 34 and very single. I spent all week rejoicing over the Easter pictures of your beautiful families on social media (and, if I’m being honest, having some less delightful feelings, too). I am supremely aware that the odds of my ever having a family of my own get slimmer with every passing year. I know 34 isn’t old. I get that. But it’s Catholic old. And when most of your friends have at least 5 kids and none of the men your age are single, it’s hard not to see your biological clock as more of a time bomb.
I don’t share about this kind of thing often because it makes me feel rather pathetic. Also because when I do, some people seem inclined to try to make me feel worse. Or write entire blog posts excoriating me. You know, because that’s helpful.
And I’m not trying to start a pity party, I’m just trying to give you a sense of what his question to me meant. “Do you trust me with your fertility?”
Because the answer to that is absolutely yes, spoken in a soft and shuddering voice. I trust him with my (waning) fertility. I trust him with my lonely heart. I trust him with my homelessness and aimlessness.
I do not trust him to give me a family.
I do not trust him to give me a home.
He never promised me those things.
When I say, “Jesus, I trust in you,” I’m telling him I trust him to be God. I trust him to make the calls. I trust that whatever he gives me–or doesn’t give me–is best. I’m saying, “Your will be done.”
I do not trust him to give me what I want. At some level, I don’t even want him to give me what I want. A God who exists merely to satisfy my whims is no God at all.
I trust him to tell me no. I trust him when he tells me nothing at all for years and years and years. I trust him when he feels incredibly distant at the time I think I need him most. I trust him to be God.
During the reading of the Passion on Palm Sunday, I was struck by Mark 15:32, when the bystanders taunted him, “Let the Messiah, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross that we may see and believe.” It wasn’t really a prayer, but still: they called to God with a request and he said no.
Thank God he said no. Where would we be if he had consented? Thank God for his mercy poured out in unanswered prayers, whether we understand it in this life or not.
Jesus, I trust in you.
Thank you. I needed to read this.
I needed this. You wrote the words of my heart (or perhaps what I wish my heart would say). Thank you.
I’ve been staring at the image of Divine Mercy and this post helped me understand it a little bit more. And this is beautifully written. Thank you
This is a beautiful and heart-felt reflection that has touched me deeply.
I am the oldest of 9 children. I always loved children and wanted a bunch of them. But no man came along for me. I married when I was well into my 30s. That was almost 30 years ago, but I still cry remembering people saying well-intentioned things that broke my aching-to-be-married heart. Once married, it took a long time for children to come to us (I was 37 and 42 when they did), after years of infertility and several losses along the way.
I hope you know that I’m telling you my story to extend my hand in solidarity. I truly understand the agony of waiting and not knowing why.
Thank you for this. Though His promises to us are good, that may not mean getting what we desire, when we desire it. This life is a continual lesson in trusting Him to be God.
Thank you for this reminder. Sooo struggling with trust right now. So many hards.
And hey – we’re about the same age!
Thank you and YES. I’ve been feeling similarly. I trust you, Jesus, but I know that doesn’t mean I get what I want. It’s such a hard thing to maintain hope in what’s possible but trusting God is good no matter what, even when that means no. Please never stop sharing about this-there are so many of us out there!
Meg I think of your witness in Hays Ks at Thomas More Prep Marian with grateful appreciation. I have followed your journey these past years. Since that visit I have retired as Campus Minister to make way for a younger visionary to share Jesus. I have given much thought to my purpose going forward and I love reading you voice what is questioned regardless of age. Our daughter is single and morealive in her relationship with our Lord than in all her years year watching the weaving of relationships, illness and work is sometimes painful. Life, oh how we are in need of HIS merciful love and I thank HIM for reminders like yesterday. God be with you. Barb
Thank you!
Brave lady, Meg. It’s very hard to share this kind of stuff, because too many people DON’T get it. In the words of Mr Cohen, ‘I’ve been where you’re hanging, and I think I can see how you’re pinned / When you’re not feeling holy, your loneliness says that you’ve sinned’.
Trust God to be God. It gets better. I promise (48 and infertile and unmarried and much happier than I was at 34 – the day DOES come when it all starts to make sense.)
Thank you for your courage to share this. Yesterday I was suffering for the same reasons (I’m 27, some frustrated stories related to vocational discernment and a giant question mark in all areas of my life) and the thought that I’m not the only catholic girl going through this agony in the world gave me strength to offer my suffering to God asking Him to use this to comfort the other girls who are waiting like me. Let’s pray for each other! P.s.: I’m living in Krakow, where the Shrine of Divine Mercy is, and I’m going to pray for you there in the next time I visit the chapel where the painting is.
I, too, needed this. Thank you.
Oh Meg. This is honest and beautiful. Thank you for sharing. May we all trust more. What a prefect prayer! Have mercy on us and on the whole world!
I. Love. This.
Thank You for sharing. You are a deeply Spiritual Person. I love the insight you shared with regards to, “Jesus I Trust in You” WOW!
. I have been going through a Season (12 years) of deep crushing / Stripping of everything I worked for, including my family, my reputation etc. Alone, no family and God seemed distant. I’m now learning to Trust in Him….You’re woman of great faith.